Christine's Ramblings

Music

2011-07-24T23:53:00.001-04:00

How can one not LOVE music? I can get lost in music for hours and hours.......some for memory purpose, some for the love of a voice, the lyric, the feeling, the beat, the ability to drift away.....worship......I love music.

Some people...........

2011-05-18T01:09:00.002-04:00

I am actually the happiest I've been in a while. What is comical to me is that because I happen to be on the heavier side of me weight wise, people ASS U ME that I am depressed, unhappy and unhealthy. Funny-- this is the first whole year I have made it without hospitalizations and or any other medical issues, other than my norm PCOS crap. Which is one of my weight reasons. I happy with my life. Please be happy for me too.

2011-05-01T15:58:00.001-04:00

No guilt of life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

My Redeemer LIVES!!!

2011-04-24T19:59:00.001-04:00

I know he rescued my soul
His blood has covered my sin
I believe
I believe

My shame His taken away
My pain is healed in his name
I believe
I believe

I'll raise a banner
'Cause my Lord has conquered the grave

My Redeemer Lives
My Redeemer Lives
My Redeemer Lives
My Redeemer Lives

You Lift my burdens
I'll rise with You
I'm dancing on this mountain top to see your kingdom come

Three Month Mark

2011-04-18T11:58:00.002-04:00

It's been three months since Nicole died. Seems like I haven't seen her in years. We all miss her so much. I can still remember the night before the baby came we were all laughing in her hospital room and she was playing music off the computer. This ones for you she says to me as she plays an old rink jam skate song!

Most of us are handling it well, some are beyond words. The ones who are beyond words are, in my opinion, suffering from guilt. If they would forgive themselves for abandoning her when she needed friends I think they could handle her dying better and learn that life isn't forever. Don't leave things unsaid. Don't leave a relationship you want to keep, and if it's beyond your control and you've done all you can to make it right, have peace in that.

I miss you Kole. I miss your laugh!

Blessings-- Laura Story

2011-04-11T01:23:00.000-04:00

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Grief

2011-04-07T01:50:00.003-04:00

Grief is a crazy thing. Comes in waves.........It hit me today that I purposely do not watch the calendar from Valentines day on......My sister's birthday was Feb 24...I loathe March. I'm supposed to be celebrating my child's 3rd birthday in March, she died inutero in October 2007........I loathe April I almost died in April and lost the first of three babies........My husband declared the other day he hated Spring. I couldn't agree more. But since we are all currently grieving Nicole, I didn't notice any of those dates. Crazy. Usually I dread them. Next year should be interesting. My new years eve post was: Resolution
Heal.Deal.Dream.Love.Give.Cook. who could ever imagine the HEAL part would be Nicole. Life is crazy.

UGH!!!

2011-04-02T00:40:00.003-04:00

Okay I try not to complain ...............really I do. BUT I am sick of you PCOS(polycysticovariansyndrom) and I am sick of your symptoms. Sigh. Wondering if I can surgically remove my ovary myself.............hmmmm

To understand PCOS you must first understand insulin. Insulin is a hormone that
every human on the planet needs to survive. Its role is to transport glucose (our body’s
main source of fuel) into our cells where it can be used as energy. For example, let’s say
you just ate a granola bar. Since it’s a carbohydrate, your body will first break it down
into small glucose particles. Insulin is then secreted in response to the glucose particles
to put them into your cells where they are needed for energy. If insulin doesn’t do this,
glucose will remain in your blood stream where it can do damage. This typically happens
when someone has diabetes and isn’t controlling their blood sugar well.

The problem with extra levels of insulin is that insulin is also a growth hormone. This
means it promotes weight gain very easily, mostly in the mid-section of your body above
your belly button. This is why you may have gained a lot of weight very rapidly with out
changes in your eating or exercise. Some women refer to the excess weight as a “spare
tire” or “inner tube” around their middle. The weight can be gained despite maintaining a
physically active lifestyle and not overeating. Having elevated insulin explains why so
many women with PCOS are overweight: the more weight gain you experience, the
more insulin your body produces, and the more you gain weight. Thus a vicious cycle
ensues: Women who weigh more tend to experience more insulin resistance than
someone who is thinner. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.......

ho hum

2011-03-28T14:53:00.002-04:00

Waiting for spring!
So many people I know are suffering so much, it breaks my heart. Especially those who are losing babies. Sigh.Cancer. Illness.ugh Seems everyone we know is getting hit by something. Glad we worship a great big God. Hoping the spring brings new life into everyone.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

2011-02-24T00:20:00.002-05:00

Psalm 62:5

This Psalm was put to song and is sung by our minister's wife at church. She recorded it and it is on a worship CD. I put this on my ipod. I preciously put it on a playlist for my 'sons' birth, my labor songs on another ipod. This song became a comfort to me. I ended up playing it after almost dying. I played it after every pregnancy loss ....3 in 9 months time...........I still played it when alone to set in solitude to reflect. Nicole died and Lynn sang it at her funeral in no way knowing what it meant to me. "He alone is my rock my salvation He is my fortress and I will not be shaken. Find rest oh my soul in God alone.........."

2011-02-13T21:32:00.001-05:00

How lovely is
Your dwelling place
Oh Lord Almighty,
For my soul longs
And even faints
For You
Oh, here my heart
Is satisfied (is satisfied)
Within Your presence
I sing beneath
The shadow of
Your wings

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
(Than thousands elsewhere)

One thing I ask,
And I would seek,
To see Your beauty
To find You in
The place Your glory dwells
(One thing I ask)
One thing I ask
And I would seek,
To see Your beauty
To find You in
The place Your glory dwells

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
(Better is one day)
Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere

(My heart and flesh cry out)
My heart and flesh cry out
To You, the Living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted, and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You
I will draw near to You
To You

Better is one day
Better is one day
Better is one day
Than thousands elsewhere
(2x)
Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere
(4X)
Yeah, than thousands elsewhere (Yeah)
Oh, than thousands elsewhere

I miss you Nicole.
Riley is beautiful....

2011-01-24T11:19:00.000-05:00

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light
Be thou my wisdom and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I , Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one
Riches I heed not nor man's emptly praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou are
High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all

Nicole

2011-01-22T21:22:00.002-05:00

I will miss you more than you would ever imagine. I can not wait to see you again. Til Heaven reunites us..............Godspeed

aaarrrgh

2011-01-17T14:29:00.001-05:00

To those who don't like who I am or what I do. Fuck off.

Happy NEW YEAR!!

2011-01-02T18:14:00.002-05:00

2011
Resolution
Heal.Deal.Dream.Love.Give.Cook.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-15T16:46:00.001-05:00

RIP Elizabeth Edwards

2010-12-08T01:20:00.002-05:00

You had more forgiveness and grace than I thought possible.
Your favorite poem

from The Cure at Troy

Human beings suffer,
they torture one another,
they get hurt and get hard.
No poem or play or song
can fully right a wrong
inflicted or endured.

The innocent in gaols
beat on their bars together.
A hunger-striker's father
stands in the graveyard dumb.
The police widow in veils
faints at the funeral home.

History says, Don't hope
on this side of the grave.
But then, once in a lifetime
the longed for tidal wave
of justice can rise up,
and hope and history rhyme.

So hope for a great sea-change
on the far side of revenge.
Believe that a further shore
is reachable from here.
Believe in miracles
and cures and healing wells.

Call the miracle self-healing:
The utter self-revealing
double-take of feeling.
If there's fire on the mountain
Or lightning and storm
And a god speaks from the sky

That means someone is hearing
the outcry and the birth-cry
of new life at its term.

~ Seamus Heaney ~

Being a woman so fun..............not

2010-11-29T00:06:00.001-05:00

Dear ovary,

I have work to do! your manufacturing of huge cysts is bothering me. I do not have time for this. You did not work when you were supposed to, so why work now?! UGH! IF you do not behave I will be forced to kill and remove you. So try to play nice for once.

Thanks,

Your Host

GO BARBARA!

2010-11-23T13:37:00.000-05:00

LARRY KING: What's your read about Sarah Palin?

BARBARA BUSH: Well, I sat next to her once - thought she was beautiful. And I think she is very happy in Alaska and uh, I hope she'll stay there.

Gotta wear pearls today in Barbara's honor.

Changes

2010-11-11T00:10:00.004-05:00

So I started a picture blog but unfortunately due to recent events I had to close this up, or take down 1/2 of the pictures. Not worth it to me. so it's closed up. I shall continue here.
Long story short my life is making a ton of changes right now, and some people will no longer be in this said life. Lessons have been learned. Never to old to learn a lesson. So my circle is smaller, but my circle is better, and will continue to get a little smaller due to fall out, but that's okay. What I am left with will be fine. What I am moving forward with will be better.

This too shall pass on into distant memory. Enough said.

WATER

2010-10-31T16:07:00.002-04:00

I hate water. I do not like to drink it period. I should drink it but I don't. It makes me live in the bathroom when I partake of it. I also then visit the bathroom instead of sleeping at night and it basically makes me sick to my stomach. I do feel guilty though. MANY people in the world pray for water, NEED clean water so they can LIVE. I have it and don't drink it. GUILT. I love it for a warm bath and cooking though. I don't even ever need to ever swim again in my life. I would not miss it. I once had a patient tell me we need water because we are water. I could lose weight if I drank water I'm told. I agree because I would be puking all the time.sigh. Do you like water??

Anniversary

2010-10-11T21:09:00.001-04:00

I am very blessed to be celebrating another wedding anniversary.
We had made it through some extremely tough things without trouble.
It's amazing. We are very very blessed in so many ways. I am most thankful to still have a crush on and be madly in love with my husband.

*WE are not without problems but that is external and not internal. So on this day I won't even name them.

Sigh......

2010-10-07T18:55:00.001-04:00

Forgive but don't ever forget because it will happen over and over and over and over..........

I'll be over here........

2010-09-24T16:40:00.002-04:00

http://christijoy9106.blogspot.com/

doing a 365 photo challenge............

Best times of your life.........

2010-09-19T00:35:00.004-04:00

So some people I know where arguing that HIGH SCHOOL is the best years of your life.............I seriously think they are mentally ill. Nothing like living in the past. SICK. Maybe because my teen years and high school years were so awful I can't imagine. I was really messed up emotionally. But the older I get, the happier I get. I am absolutely full of joy. My life is FAR from easy. I have been sick for 4 years. I have lost THREE babies. Friends. The ability to work, my GOGOGOGOGO 24/7. I can't do it anymore. These people are also telling young teens that are struggling that this is the best time of their life. Had I believed that as a teen I would've considered suicide. SERIOUSLY! For some kids teen years are just awful they get through them they get to college and life and BLOSSOM. Just validate that yes you feel awful. Yes it is awful. You can do this you will get through it there are people that love you, you can talk to me anytime and I'll just listen. Don't tell them this is the best years of their lives. Goodness.

Compassion

2010-09-15T22:59:00.002-04:00

Watching Oprah '23 yrs later' about AIDS and a gay man in 1987. SOME things have changed, LIFE expectancy for one: YES! Some have not: People are still mean and cruel. What happened to compassion. You don't have to be pro-gay to have compassion, be kind. What is wrong with people. UGH.

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse HOT DOG Song

2010-09-11T01:21:00.001-04:00

Part of my EVERYDAY singing with Elijah!

Do they see Jesus in Me

2010-09-07T01:44:00.000-04:00

Is the face that I see in the mirror
the one I want others to see
Do I show in the way that I walk in my life
The love that You've given to me
My heart's desire is to be like You
In all that I do, all I am

Do they see Jesus In Me
Do they recognize Your face
Do I communicate Your love, and Your grace
Do I reflect who You are
In the way I choose to be
Do they see Jesus In Me

It's amazing that you'd ever use me
But use me the way You will
Help me to hold out a heart of
compassionate grace
A heart that You're spirit fills
May I show forgiveness and mercy
The same way You've shown it to me

Now I want to show all the world who You are
The reason I live and breathe
So You'll be the One that they see
When they see me

FALL

2010-08-12T16:24:00.002-04:00

Looking forward to fall! Leaves turning color, COOLER weather! Wedding ANNIVERSARY-GO US!!! Candy Corn!! Halloween. Boo at the ZOO. GEMS. Normal schedule. Sissy back at the dorm. Friday lunches with friends eating Chinese FOOD. Thanksgiving. FOOD!! FUN! Can't WAIT!!

Take my life................

2010-08-05T16:43:00.000-04:00

Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing
always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold
not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
every power as You choose.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour
at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

(Take my life, Lord take my life. Take all of me)

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

2010-07-25T16:52:00.001-04:00

How many??....5

2010-06-10T23:16:00.003-04:00

"How many children do you have?" This can be a tricky question for a lot of people including me. Do people really want an answer or is it a question like the weather conversations we have with people. Unfortunately this question can really hurt someone with out us knowing it. I try to not ever ask it as I hate it when it is asked to me. Especially since I have a 19 and a 3 year old, and three angels in heaven, when people find out I lost babies they assume it was in those years between the kids. And then when and if they find out it was after my 3 year old's birth they'll say "But how can that be?" Kind of like when we announced out pregnancy with our 3 year old people asked us "Well how did that happen?" I am sure I have said flippant remarks that have hurt people for that I am sorry.

HMMMMMMMMMMM

2010-06-04T23:33:00.002-04:00

So I went to my nephews graduation tonight which was a HUGE accomplishment for him! YEA SCOTTIE!! Anyway the speaker told them to follow their dreams use their God given gifts........I'm good with naughty kids-meaning teens-- and babies, cooking, and supporting other baby loss moms, various other things. IF I was younger I'd become a social worker. So we are called to go where God needs us. Hope I am listening. Trying to decide what to do when Elijah goes back to school............not nursing. SIGH.

A parent's love is whole no matter how many times divided. ~

2010-05-18T20:41:00.002-04:00

Too many people say well you have ___ children left, as a response to someone losing a baby or a child, no matter what the age. For REAL people? Come on! 'Why don't you take one of your children away?' is what we all wish to say back, but don't. I don't know what day compassion died, but no one informed me. To lose a child/baby/pregnancy is a grief both indescribable and horrendous. You never fully recover. You are never the same. If you find yourself needing to say something please either say 'I am so so sorry', or just be silent and sit beside them.

Mother's Day

2010-05-07T00:22:00.001-04:00

Ecclesiastes 3:4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

This is pretty much Mother's Day for me. Mourn the children I've lost. Joy in the ones who are here with me. Praying for a gentle day for all whom this day is a brutal one.

setback

2010-04-30T23:49:00.009-04:00

UGH after my last posting I went to the hospital for another ruptured ovarian cyst. OUCH! For more fun I burst the second one at home. I think they have now all burst and I am trying to recover, but am in pain sometimes excruciating ALL the time. ANNOYING!

My housework is falling behind. I cooked twice it almost killed me! I did manage through pain to go to a dinner I was not going to miss -again- our annual end of GEMS dinner. I also went to an open house for 30 minutes to honor some wonderful kids I know, they are simply amazing! Home again and PAIN! I should have used the time and energy to do some laundry or dishes but I have decided I am using my energy for people. I am hoping to be up and at it soon. I am a servant by nature and I hate being home. I want to visit, cook and care for all my 'people' again. I miss them!

Doctor appts in a couple of weeks to decide NOW WHAT? Oh goodie. Trying to stay positive and do what I can when I can!!

cooking

2010-04-21T23:36:00.002-04:00

So I've been frantically busy and then sickness hit.ugh. Back to cooking tonight. It was okay, just okay. BUT with some changes it will be great. Some recipes I try are very very good. Most are good actually. Some are good for what they are and just aren't something I like or would eat. Some are just what it is and that is yuk.ha. But it's still fun! I liked a few parts of tonight's supper a great deal, so I'll build on the rest. Which is what I've been doing, cooking, then taking notes on what to change it to in order for it to be better. So when the year is done I'll have an entire year of yummy recipes. Some will be thrown out of course. But that's life. I am learning new cooking skills. I am learning spices, amounts, weird ingredients I have never heard of and definitely appreciating good cheeses, butters, olive oils, spices and breads!! ALL so much fun to me! I guess I'm a cooking geek. The best part is no one in my house can say 'this for supper again'. AND no one is ever bored it's an adventure every night. So on to tomorrow! Happy cooking!

ALONE

2010-04-13T11:57:00.002-04:00

I'm tired. I need a vacation or a day ALONE. Yes ALONE. It amazes me how many people hate to be ALONE. I LOVE it. Not for always but I do NEED it a ton more than it is happening. I have a friend who NEVER wants to be ALONE and know someone who ALWAYS wants to be ALONE. Of course the obvious you are NEVER ALONE, God is there, is true. I mean human people by you. Sometimes if I don't get ALONE time no one wants to be by me anyway...I get quite crabby! When people get ill some surround themselves with people. I prefer to be ALONE. This upsets and hurts some people but it is just that- I do better dealing with things ALONE. I cope better. Someday I'll be in a house without kids, hard to imagine. But the thought of being with my husband ALONE and no kids is extremely exciting! Has never happened in our marriage, or dating. I love ALL my kids, all of them by birth or otherwise. But sometimes I just want to be ALONE!!! How about you?

Matthew 25 :37-45

2010-04-09T00:54:00.002-04:00

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

41"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

I have used these verses a lot in defense of writing to or visiting kids/young adults in prison. First of all it's no ones business, and second there is no such thing as a throw away person. Everyone can be redeemed. It's what I hold onto for myself. GRACE! We can all receive it! ALL. Everyone. Even prisoners.I am far from perfect, news flash so are we all! I think we should all live by these verses. You never know what God can and will do with your act of kindness. You may never know anyone in the situations above, seek them out. It's an amazing feeling to give! I was told today by the person I most recently sent a letter to in prison 'thaaanks. i read it about 27,000 times. lolll. ' Made me smile.

Easter

2010-04-05T12:01:00.004-04:00

Easter dinner and activities went well. Egg hunt was last weekend. We ended up with 19 for dinner- I think. We added people everyday this week! It was nice to have my kids here at one time! It doesn't happen as often anymore with Sissy off at college! WOW. Time flies. People always tell you that,it's true, the older you get, the faster it goes. Take every minute make it mean something!

Three Years

2010-04-03T02:00:00.002-04:00

Three years ago almost exactly-an hour from now to be exact- I almost died of a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. Had it not been for the persistence of my husband of not taking me home--he was asked to 3 times, a nurse who knew me and listened to me after an ignorant arrogant ER doctor let me bleed internally for 15 hours, a wonderful doctor came and did surgery to save my life, my baby's life was already gone. I am so thankful to be alive. I would have missed so many things with my children! 2007 was an awful year. I lost that baby and then in October lost a baby at 16 weeks 6 days just about crushing me and leaving me without hope or faith. I tried again and got pregnant but lost that baby in January 2008. I had a hysterectomy in 2009 to save me again-- since I had become so sick with anemia I couldn't go on living a productive life and it eventually would have shortened my life. Why tell you all this. Because I lived through it I went though the dark got to the light and am joyfully happy. I have a beautiful 3 year old, a wonderful 18 year old, a loving husband and a ton of kids who call me mom/grandma-I am blessed. I still get teary, upset, angry, frustrated about not having the children I lost or the hope to have more, but it doesn't overtake who I am anymore. for that I am grateful too. So many people have life so much worse than this and some people have nothing. Why? All I can do is quote and Amy Grant song--

So much pain and no good reason why
You've cried until the tears run dry
And nothing else can make you understand
The one thing that you held so dear
Is slipping from your hand
And you say
Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say
Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Tho' we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road
Yesterday I thought I'd seen it all
I thought I'd climbed the highest wall
Now I see the learning never ends
And all I know to do is keep on walking
Walking 'round the bend singing
Why, why, why
Does it go this way
Why, why, why
And all I can say
Somewhere down the road
There'll be answers to the questions
Somewhere down the road
Tho' we cannot see it now
And somewhere down the road
You will find mighty arms reaching for you
And they will hold the answers at the end of the road

Golden Yellow Delicious APPLES

2010-03-26T21:23:00.003-04:00

Tonight I made Golden Delicious Apple Pork Chops over white rice. Side dishes candied carrots and buttered green beans. It was extremely delicious! My friend whom I bring dinner to when I cook gave it 5 stars so fun! Anyway as I was chopping the apples up preparing them for the sauce I remembered a lady I used to take care of named Elizabeth she was 104 and in her right mind a lot of fun, very wise and intelligent! She LOVED I mean LOVED yellow apples as she called them. I would bring her one whenever I worked, thus getting in trouble for bringing a patient a gift. I did not care I took the write ups and eventually my boss got sick of or didn't want to pay unemployement to someone for serving yellow apples, who knows. At any rate when Elizabeth was dying I brought in a whole bag for her family to enjoy while they sat with her waiting for her to pass away. She watched those apples like a hawk. She eventually died and I attended her funeral in a very old church where they rang the bell 104 times one for every year of her life. It was one of the best funerals I have ever been too. I have taken care of thousands of people in my nursing career. I have bought soap, lotion, kleenex, yarn, etc etc for my patients if they needed it and especially if they had no family, always getting in trouble for it. I also prayed with my patients, held their hand while they were dying, kisses their foreheads, gave them hugs, shared my stories of my family and my many children that are in my life, especially my daughter Rachael who would visit with them frequently. This is all the part I love.BUT this is all the part you can get fired for. I have been told by several people in my life that this is my God given talent. Sometimes I feel my blessing is my curse. I no longer wish to be in nursing, to make sure I entered a nursing home and knew for sure that I can't go back, that time of my life has past. I can't do it anymore. IF my husband died and I had to support my family I would still probably try to avoid it. Some people think this is sad. It just is. I had a wonderful time and on to the next chapter. I love being a wife and stay at home mom with my 3 yr old son. I love helping my terminally ill friend. I love helping all my single mothers, all the babies and I love to cook and share as much off my cooking as I can. So I am still a caregiver just one who can't get fired for buying a gift, saying a prayer and a hug and a kiss. I am happy.

2010-03-19T00:38:00.002-04:00

When you walked into my life
And knocked on my heart's door,
I never dreamed you held the key,
To a world of love and more,
And once that you stepped in,
How was I to know,
You'd decorate my life with love,
And make my heart your home.
When I see your smile,
Theres a view of all my dreams,
All my hopes and wishes,
And a love for eternity,
When you put your arms around me,
I've never felt so much,
Until the day I found you,
I never knew real love.
I'll stand beside you always,
And give you all my love,
I could never leave you,
Even when the times are tough,
To only you I'll make this promise,
And know you can always believe,
That for as long as I live,
You'll be all I need.

I first found this poem in 2006 January and posted it for my husband fast forward 4 and some years and it is even more true. I am a very lucky wife. We have been through so much in those years to still be absolutely totally in-love with my spouse is an absolute blessing.

Lord Byron

2010-03-14T19:54:00.002-04:00

SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that 's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

husbands

2010-03-13T12:48:00.002-05:00

I had two experiences this week that made me appreciate my husband more than I already do and I appreciate him quite a bit.

ONE. My friends husband was diagnosed with multiple myleoma. Scary terrifying news. They had NO idea this kind of news was coming their way. It would take me out. I don't ever want to live without my husband. I am so very thankful he is healthy. Even though I am aware of this more often than most people with my best friend and her daughter both being young widows, this chain of events made me empathize the absolute fear my friend must be feeling.

TWO. While out at an event with women only I overheard a story of absolute disrespect of one woman for her husband and others chimed right in. ALL of them professing to be Christians. This really bothered me as others around them were not. I should have spoke up but did not. I hope I never ever ever disrespect my husband in that manner ever. It is degrading and a terrible thing to do. I hope that in the past if I have complained people realize I was either upset or hurt. I intend to never put him in a bad light even IF I get mad. Of course this does not cover the sarcastic nature of all of us including me, I mean the hurtful putting men in a bad light constantly thing. A little fun and sarcasm is okay with me. I am not professing to be perfect here just witnessed an event I never want to be accused of being like.

ONE.I love my husband he is the perfect person for me and for that I am extremely grateful.

TWO. I am glad my friend with her husband in the hospital did not hear the second situation.

MONDAY MONDAY...........

2010-03-08T20:27:00.002-05:00

I am still loving this cooking thing I am doing! I however now have the need for more cutting boards, knives, measuring cups, spoons, cookbooks...........

I have decided that being a stay at home mom is the best job I have ever had. I love the cleaning, cooking, etc etc. AND most importantly I love the time with my child.

Now if only I can get on top of my health and no I am not complaining, just being human and wishing to not be so tired.

Life.Attitude.

2010-03-03T13:04:00.003-05:00

Life is interesting. People are weird. My husband has told me hundreds of time the little attitude quote--" I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.”(Charles R. Swindoll) I like the following "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."(~Herm Albright)Which probably shows the difference in us to some degree. Nothing ever bothers him. At any rate most times I did not want to listen to him because whatever it was that was upsetting me was too overwhelming or just too much for me to overcome. Lately I have found that I just don't care. Whether it is age or just learning that some people are just gonna be the kind of people they are, and that life just happens- some good, some bad, sometimes a lot bad, you just carry through knowing that in the end at our final destination none of this matters. 2 Corinthians 4:17
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

cooking

2010-02-27T15:31:00.002-05:00

I made Italian sloppy joes this week and put them on some yummy garlic Parmesan bread toasted with TONS of real butter, then added tons of Asiago and Provalone cheese broiled it all up and it was scrumptious!! Then next night we had Hungarian chicken and egg noddles which was very 'comfort food' like. Today I organized the cupboards more and cleaned up all my pots and pans and cooking and baking supplies and tools. I threw a lot out in the dumpster! TOO OLD/USED/GROSS!! So now I have a huge wish list!! It feels good to get these things accomplished! I took a picture of the sloppy joes I made and as soon as I find my camera cord(SIGH!) I'll post pictures!!!

2010-02-22T22:38:00.006-05:00

Monday blah.............some good things BUT two bad events. Laptop and phone dead. Seeing my niece, getting, groceries, a good lunch and cooking supper-fun, along with an afternoon haircut for my toddler=good!

I am beyond exhausted looking forward to my doctor appt to get somewhere to me feeling better-----I hope!Actually a great many people hope. I am much more fun healthy.

Reason to keep going--picture posted..........

Misc

2010-02-18T13:18:00.002-05:00

On tonight's menu chicken saute with potatoes and corn, we'll see how it goes. It sounds good, reads fairly easy, now to make it- so here's hoping it's a winner!

In other news our town is voted most happy or 2nd most happy place in the USA. Funny because I would leave given the chance and could take my kids with me-all of them, not just the ones I gave birth too. Our town also has the highest teen pregnancy rate so maybe they interviewed teen boys........

A lot of people around me are going through terrible heartache and trails. It saddens me so much and I hurt for them all. It makes me realize that 1. I am happy 2. I like my husband (yes I LOVE him, but I like him too.) 3. I am so glad for the trails -minus losing my babies(not there yet) in my life that made me who I am today.

Presently I have banana bread in the oven. I must go check it soon. Lemon poppyseed bread next to go in the oven.

The SUN is out here in happy Holland land. Hope you are having a good day!

cooking

2010-02-12T13:19:00.002-05:00

Having been inspired by the movie Julie/Julia I have been cooking ALL the recipes I have circled, torn out of magazines or marked in one of my many cook books to try! I LOVE IT!! I love the cooking! I love finding the ingredients in the store! I love eating it! I love the feeling of accomplishment! I guess I am a cooking geek/nerd! I get rather excited about it and can only imagine if I had the money to really do it up!! I now find myself wanting all kinds of new cooking gadgets...........Staying up late pouring over the recipes deciding what to cook for the next week writing up the list and trying to fit it in my budget all a nice diversion. It just makes me feel good to cook and do it well!!

2010-02-12T13:10:00.001-05:00

“There’s a hole in the soul that we all try to fill, sometimes with the wrong things, like booze or drugs. Society would tell us to fill it with consumerism. But its only really filled through love and service, by serving a high purpose. By doing God’s will.”~~Patrick Kennedy

2010-02-02T13:40:00.001-05:00

"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world or on our hearts."

"No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God can tell us why. It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone, for part of me went with you, the day God called you home."

2010-01-29T02:01:00.000-05:00

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
C. S. Lewis

2010-01-27T12:38:00.002-05:00

On 27 January 1945, the gates of the Nazi concentration camp near the Polish city of Oswiecim, better known by its German name of Auschwitz, were opened and the few survivors freed..............I met the youngest survivor of the holocaust today, what an inspiring woman! It was so amazing I can not imagine not being changed by hearing her speak and meeting her. It truly was one of my most wonderful experiences of my life.

Contentment - Joy

2010-01-21T12:08:00.002-05:00

'The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with JOY'. Psalm 126:3. I found this verse while trying to get pregnant after my son Elijah and after already having an ectopic pregnancy that almost took my life and losing a baby at 17 weeks. My thought was to use it as the next child's verse. Elijah's verse is '...for this child we have prayed' and Rachael's is 'you were knit in secret in your mother's womb'. Alas there would be another pregnancy, but not another child. And now my hysterectomy ended the possibility. The grief and anger did almost do me in.... but I can honestly say I am content and filled with joy, because God does offer me grace. Do I still want my babies, yes, do I still struggle with grief, yes, anger too, will I always do so, probably. But I have a God who loves me still. I have two beautiful children. I did not die from all my illness. AND I have a husband who is more loved and more wonderful than words. I am content.

Haiti

2010-01-14T09:54:00.001-05:00

a safe place to give

https://co.clickandpledge.com/sp/d1/default.aspx?wid=21986

2010-01-03T22:33:00.001-05:00

Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way. Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be.-

2009-12-31T19:07:00.000-05:00

Luke 2: 13-20

2009-12-24T01:08:00.001-05:00

8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
14"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

15When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."

16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

2009-12-15T01:45:00.000-05:00

THIS is thy hour O Soul, thy free flight into the wordless,
Away from books, away from art, the day erased, the lesson done,
Thee fully forth emerging, silent, gazing, pondering the themes thou
lovest best.
Night, sleep, and the stars.

2009-12-12T23:38:00.000-05:00

2009-12-11T15:00:00.002-05:00

I will always grieve to some extent for my lost children. I will always remember my babies and wish beyond wishes that I could smell their smell or hold their weight in my arms, raise them with their siblings, enjoy them with their grandparents...But as time goes on, this wishing will no longer deplete me of the will to live my own life.............but I will never forget. Losing a parent is losing your past but losing your child/ren is losing your future.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

2009-12-11T01:20:00.000-05:00

Jacqueline Kennedy

2009-12-10T00:32:00.000-05:00

Jackie's first pregnancy ended in a stillborn daughter, her last pregnancy she delivered a boy about 6 weeks early, he died two days later, 3 and half months later her husband was shot to death in front of her. Who am I to complain?

LOVE

2009-11-23T20:18:00.000-05:00

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it.

-Frank Howard Clark

2009-10-29T22:03:00.001-04:00

“”There are many little ways to enlarge your child’s world. Love of books is the best of all.”

- Jaqueline Kennedy

2009-10-27T23:51:00.000-04:00

"Grief cracks your heart into little pieces and that hurts, big time, BIG TIME. It's hard to concentrate, it’s hard to see, its hard to feel, it's even hard to breathe."

2009-10-22T20:44:00.000-04:00

It is good to share this. I wish someone had e-mailed this to everyone I knew including my family.

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

---DO SAY' I am SO sorry!" and that's it!

Bye Bye Uterus!!

2009-10-22T20:27:00.000-04:00

You nasty old thing, you’ve mistreated me!
I want you to leave, to get out, and to flee!
You have betrayed me you stinky old bitch!
So I am wondering, do you think my incision will itch?
You made me moody, you made me bleed.
You were NOT there in my hour of need.
You gave me the backaches, you made me sad,
So now you must go – I’ll need no more pads!
And now that the good doctors have heard all my wishes,
I can say, G'Bye Aunt Flow – you’re sleeping with the fishes...........

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day...

2009-10-16T00:40:00.001-04:00

Walking in my shoes by unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. Most people they never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are mght make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

2009-10-02T14:40:00.000-04:00

My BEAUTIFUL BOY

LIFE

2009-09-17T01:00:00.000-04:00

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. -Abraham Lincoln

Psalm 94:19

2009-08-25T12:44:00.001-04:00

18When I said, “My foot is slipping,”

your love, O Lord, supported me.

19When anxiety was great within me,

your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Grief

2009-08-17T02:41:00.000-04:00

My grief is like a river,
I have to let it flow,
But I myself determine,
Just where the banks will go.

Some days the current takes me
In waves of guilt and pain
But there are always quiet pools
Where I can rest again.

I crash on rocks of anger
My faith seems faint indeed
But there are other swimmers
Who know just what I need

And loving hands to hold me
When the waters are too swift
And someone kind to listen
When I just seem to drift

Grief's river is a process
Of relinquishing the past
By swimming in Hope's channels
I'll reach the shore at last

~Cynthia G. Kelley~

Mermaid or Whale??!!

2009-07-22T00:20:00.000-04:00

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable
baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves
with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like
Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are
wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected
and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the
offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not
to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they don't have kids either.
Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish
store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my
friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information
and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I
will think, Good gosh, look how smart I am.

Rachael Video Project

2009-06-17T23:02:00.000-04:00